Disgusting

Those of low mettle, weak of stomach or prone to swooning stop reading now.

I decided to do a disgusting post, I'm not sure why and as I write this I don't have a plan for what disgusting stuff I'll write about. Bound to be ungentlemanly though so anyone who wishes to maintain your image of me as a pillar of respectability (I was going to use the word Corinthian but people might think I'm calling myself an amateur sailer and I need to check my sources on its exact meaning) then please, seriously, stop reading.

I hate spitting but sometimes one just has to to keep the airway free for sucking in the O2. My problem is I rarely do it, don't particularly like doing it and so am rubbish at it. Many a cycle I have finished with various blobs of wobbly goo clinging to me or smears of sticky decorating my jersey or shorts. It's most likely to go wrong when running if I'm working particularly hard so spectators are due an eyeful of a panting beast with streaks cascading down his top.

Is saddle sore disgusting? Chafing? Swimming had until recently been giving me sore armpits but I'm pleased to say I now lube up beforehand with some stuff recommended to me by a chum (cheers Dan). If I wear my old running shorts though my massive thighs collide repeatedly and cause all sorts of dramas resulting in shares in Savlon soaring and me walking in my finest cowboy impression (lasso and all). Cycling on that narrow seat and coping comes with practice. There are some days when I mount up and have to spend the first couple of minutes stood up before I build up the courage to top up on pain. A handful of chamois cream or savlon can often be applied to the area in copious quantities.

My kit and I stink. Some people seem to be able to beast, splash their face, change clothes and squirt something smelly and they can exist a day with offending anyone. I tried it once and almost got banned from the office. My nickname at a rugby club which I got because in the first training session the coach didn't know me and referred to me as that was Sweaty C*nt. Quite how he pronounced that I have no idea but he was a bit of a cunt. It is true though. Perhaps the amount of sweat I generate just means that when it dries (or reduces to use cooking terminology) the smell is intensified or something.I now have a boiler room at work in which to air my kit without offending anyone but it is so noxious to the nose when putting on again in the afternoons.

OK dinners nearly ready I need to speed this up.

I have abandoned socks before when caught short on a beasting (not swimming actually) due to the lack of large leaves. My body seems to know it is about to beast and I have to jettison excess waist, sometimes a few times. If I ignore those signals then I am usually in trouble. The implication of this is that I now thoroughly recce the loo situation prior to triathlons and carry spare tissues with me. At bournmouth I ran up from the loo (a guiness poo after I began my custom of night before tri guinesses by getting too drunk on the stuff), down to the beach just in time as I joined the back of the crowd to the horn sounded and I ran into the water.

Dan didn't seem impressed that I often wee in my wetsuit. I thought everyone did it?

This all seems rather tame. I have to go now. I'll try harder next time. Give me feedback actually as it might be that I'm immune to disgust having been a certified parent for some time.

Oh, my ear once got really and increasingly swollen after it got a little torn in a scrum then the swelling exploded in pus when I was on exercise, covering my scrim scarf which I washed with a small amount of my drinking water and a wetwipe.